porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
