If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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