Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
