i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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