I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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