Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
