i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
