Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize