I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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