Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
me + whiskey = a bad person
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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