so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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