omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
