yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
