I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
