I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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