shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
