Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I need to stop coming to work sober
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
