im holly from the hills drunk
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
