Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
