Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
