The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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