We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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