These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
