he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
