your parents love me but you hate me
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
