Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
