There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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