Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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