I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
