Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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