Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My ass is underappreciated
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
