She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
