Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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