Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
how does that bad decision feel?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
