I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
