Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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