Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
