I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
