fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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