is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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