i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
