Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
