I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
