that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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