Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My pussy is not your playground.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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