I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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