Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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