I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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