She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize