We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
