I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
