You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
