i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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