She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
