I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
