Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
