and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
