Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
