Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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