It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
