I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
