Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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