ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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